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althen artren
Senior Scribe
USA
780 Posts |
 Posted - 22 Oct 2010 : 00:28:37
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Okay, tell me scribes, how many of you
have been in love with two people at the
same time? How did u deal with it, and
how bad did it affect you?
I am unfortunitely in this circumstance
and have NOBODY to talk to about it.
Oh yes, by the way, I am married.
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Ayrik
Great Reader
Canada
8090 Posts |
Posted - 22 Oct 2010 : 01:45:05
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| Ah, I'm assuming you don't mean two people like wife and daughter? |
[/Ayrik] |
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althen artren
Senior Scribe
USA
780 Posts |
Posted - 22 Oct 2010 : 02:37:04
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| Yeah, my wife and another lady from work. |
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Ashe Ravenheart
Great Reader
USA
3256 Posts |
Posted - 22 Oct 2010 : 02:49:47
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| Well, all I can say is that I was on the other side of the equation. My ex-wife fell in love with a co-worker and it directly led to the divorce. What I can tell you is that hard times are going to be ahead of you. But the one thing that you NEED to do is to be honest with your partner and consider talking to a therapist to understand where the feelings came from. The least that will come of therapy is understanding. |
I actually DO know everything. I just have a very poor index of my knowledge.
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Alphabetized Index of Realms NPCs |
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Ayrik
Great Reader
Canada
8090 Posts |
Posted - 22 Oct 2010 : 03:17:02
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What defines a successful marriage is that the couple makes the real effort to resolve their problems. Suffer no illusions; infatuation wears off, ardour cools down, people get bored of each other, people even get antagonistic. When a casual relationship breaks you can both call it off and stomp away. You can't use that option if you want to preserve your marriage. What are your priorities?
I'd say you should try to keep away from this new woman and dedicate extra attention on making romance with your wife. Go places, do stuff, do something unusual that you will both remember. Your passions and perceptions will come into clearer focus once you've removed distractions and allowed some time to pass.
It may turn out that the dalliance is what would make you happier. Better to make such an important decision after you've distanced yourself to a more objective mindset. Maybe your wife is all the woman you'll ever need. Maybe she never was. The worst thing you can is decide impulsively. |
[/Ayrik] |
Edited by - Ayrik on 22 Oct 2010 03:23:09 |
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The Sage
Procrastinator Most High
Australia
31799 Posts |
Posted - 23 Oct 2010 : 10:10:57
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Let me just note that I'm assuming your co-worker has reciprocated any advancements you may have made.
In which case, the only advice I can give for a situation like this... is to consider the feelings of your wife, your family, and your co-worker FIRST. That is, before anything else. Before any further decisions are made on your part. Consider the feelings of those around you. You're fortunate in that you can deal with your own thoughts and feelings whenever you like. You've that luxury. Your wife, family and co-worker don't. So think long and hard on how all of this will impact upon each of them. Don't make any hasty decisions. And, finally, it might be worth making an appointment with a counsellor, as Ashe suggested above, in an attempt to root out the source of this potential problem and discover ways in which you can deal with it that results in the least amount of mental damage to ALL the parties involved. |
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Zhoth'ilam Folio -- The Electronic Misadventures of a Rambling Sage |
Edited by - The Sage on 23 Oct 2010 10:12:27 |
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Wooly Rupert
Master of Mischief
USA
37010 Posts |
Posted - 23 Oct 2010 : 14:30:08
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I'd echo the advice to seek counselling.
Also, your wife has already promised you the rest of her life. That's a done deal. Unless girl #2 has promised the same thing, it's kind of a bird in the hand (pun not intended) situation. |
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althen artren
Senior Scribe
USA
780 Posts |
Posted - 24 Oct 2010 : 00:18:46
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Nobody knows anything except my pastor and my psychiatrist.
I just wanted to see if anybody here has experienced the
same thing. Oh, the co-worker doesn't talk to me much anymore.
A conversation went wrong. So thats in the clear. |
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Dracons
Learned Scribe
USA
299 Posts |
Posted - 29 Oct 2010 : 02:51:12
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I've been in love with alot of woman in my life.
However, I'm such a major loser that it took a very long time before one girl fell for me.
She cheated on me twice. She couldn't help it. She's very poly. I was fine with that. Better to be a distraction then suffer lonelyness.
She did eventually dump me to go get married to another guy, but then she got preg and has no idea who the father is and lost alot of boyfriends when many of them didn't realize she was playing them all.
Look, I may have a glaze idea about love being someone who doesn't have anyone that loves him. I wish I could have that. I wish I could have a wonderful woman that loves me.
You have your wife. Someone that loves you. Your best friend.
Guess what? You need to work on that, and so does she. But you got to reach out first. If you can make her feel loved and wanted, she will return the favor. Depending on how long you two been together, you may just be in the motions and she may not feel that spark because your just used to each other.
So take your wife out on a date. dance with her. Do something fun. Reconnect with the person you decided to spend the rest of your life together.
Replay your first date. There was a reason you asked her out, a reason you wanted to marry.
Yeah, its very possible to love other people. It's unnatural to some degree to be with one person forever, because people change. Their emontions change. That's why when you get married, your making a COMMITION. To stay together. To work together. To love together. If one stops trying to keep the intrest of the other, then it gets dragged down and boring, thus the motions. Marriage is hard, but it does come with incredible awards.
Just, be careful. People fight. Even husbands and wives. No couple is happy with each other 24/7, 365 days a year. As for the girl at work? That may be just inflation. She might be sending signals that your attracted and wanted or needed, and maybe your wife doesn't do that now because your both use to each other.
It's different. Not dangerous, different. But try to be with your wife first. Work on that. If it just can't, and I don't mean give up after a day or two, then talk to her about your feelings. A couple NEEDs to do that at times. Don't keep it hidden, or it can seriously hurt her, her family, and maybe your family, and if you have kids? Especally young kids? Yeah. |
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Gary
Acolyte
USA
0 Posts |
Posted - 05 Nov 2010 : 15:28:43
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Hi! Glad to be a part of your community!
____________________
cigars for dummies |
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Ashe Ravenheart
Great Reader
USA
3256 Posts |
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The Sage
Procrastinator Most High
Australia
31799 Posts |
Posted - 05 Nov 2010 : 16:08:20
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quote:
Originally posted by Ashe Ravenheart
quote:
Originally posted by Gary
Hi! Glad to be a part of your community!
____________________
cigars for dummies
Is... Is that a Spammer?
Here?
At CANDLEKEEP???
Aye. Sometimes they do indeed slip past the gremlin-guards I've put in place.  |
Candlekeep Forums Moderator
Candlekeep - The Library of Forgotten Realms Lore
http://www.candlekeep.com -- Candlekeep Forum Code of Conduct
Scribe for the Candlekeep Compendium -- Volume IX now available (Oct 2007)
"So Saith Ed" -- the collected Candlekeep replies of Ed Greenwood
Zhoth'ilam Folio -- The Electronic Misadventures of a Rambling Sage |
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Wooly Rupert
Master of Mischief
USA
37010 Posts |
Posted - 06 Nov 2010 : 00:07:38
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quote:
Originally posted by The Sage
quote:
Originally posted by Ashe Ravenheart
quote:
Originally posted by Gary
Hi! Glad to be a part of your community!
____________________
cigars for dummies
Is... Is that a Spammer?
Here?
At CANDLEKEEP???
Aye. Sometimes they do indeed slip past the gremlin-guards I've put in place.
As do your gremlins! |
Candlekeep Forums Moderator
Candlekeep - The Library of Forgotten Realms Lore
http://www.candlekeep.com -- Candlekeep Forum Code of Conduct
I am the Giant Space Hamster of Ill Omen! |
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althen artren
Senior Scribe
USA
780 Posts |
Posted - 06 Nov 2010 : 23:06:27
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| I always though hamster were psuedo-gremlins! |
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althen artren
Senior Scribe
USA
780 Posts |
Posted - 07 Nov 2010 : 01:23:40
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Hey Gary, welcome aboard. Rest assured, that the rumors that Candlekeep
scribes eat newcombers is completely without merit.
And ignore the stew pot in the front foyer. |
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Arielis
Acolyte
Canada
13 Posts |
Posted - 03 Jan 2011 : 18:18:43
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I admit I've never been in this situation. I've may had crushes on people outside my relationship, but not full love.
However, I will say this.
I genuinely believe that confessing these feelings to your wife will only relieve guilt you have about the situation. She will be stuck in a situation where she has utterly no control in, and may decide to take back control in the form of divorce.
And on a logical point of view, what will either of you have to gain by that confession?
I think these kinds of occurrences are natural to happen, despite what Disney claims. It's what you do about them that's important. I'm assuming you still very much love your wife, I'm also assuming you didn't overtly make moves on your co-worker, and I'm assuming that your co-worker hasn't replaced your wife in your eyes.
If that's the case, then really right now you're just feeling a lot of guilt. Continue to talk about it with your psychiatrist and pastor. And like Arik said, take the time to remember special moments and create new ones with your wife.
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'If you can't be good, be lucky!' |
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Alystra Illianniis
Great Reader
USA
3750 Posts |
Posted - 26 Feb 2011 : 01:52:18
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| As one who's been married for ten years, I will add that it's true that people start to get an itch for something different. I've even questioned my own marriage a time or three, usually when times were hard. But the thing about marriage is that it's HARD. You have to work at it, and remember WHY you chose that person in the first place. That other woman may seem interesting to you right now, but chances are, it's because she's "forbidden fruit". It's a good bet that she would not be nearly so attractive to you once the initial excitement wore off. So try to think of whether or not your could really see spending your life with her, and if the answer is no, or even only "maybe" you should just consider it a temporary infatuation, and move past that. |
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Diffan
Great Reader
USA
4503 Posts |
Posted - 26 Feb 2011 : 15:51:24
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I was in a similar situation, in which I was flirting with a Co-Worker and we both were married. My wife and I just had our daughter and what a shock and change it is to your whole life. Everything changed and I'm often the one most resistant to change. So when most of my wife's attention was focued on the baby (as it should be), I felt I needed another "connection". This led me down a very dark and lonely road.
My co-worker was going through a difficult time with her husband as well and we just clicked on many levels. This is what I later found out is called an Emotional Affair. I'd tell her things about my relationship with my wife and we'd use eachother for support during those difficult time. But this really didn't help the problem, but further hindered it. Of course my wife was aware of my growing dissent and we had done things to sorta correct this.
Had things gone further down that road, there's no doubt it would've led to a physical relationship and complicated matters worse. And if that were the case, I doubt I'd tell anyone. Like Arielis says, letting that information known would solve nothing nor would it make matters better. Probably best NOT to go down that road.
But I lucked out and my co-worker moved 2,500 miles away, though we still remain just friends and text from time to time. I completly understand where your coming from althen and I hope things go well for you and your relationship with your wife. |
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Okay, time to fess up....
