| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| The Screecher |
Posted - 09 Sep 2005 : 14:25:15
Hello everyone, well this is my first topic anyway. To begin with, I know most of the scribes here are veteran and elite DMs and players, so it is likely during the course of the campaigns, their PCs are likely to say some stupid, silly or hilarious comments (of course, not vulgar or rude comments!).
Here is an example for mine:
PC 1: I gonna take down that... gas bag(slang for Beholder) before I go and meet Tempus(chokes on his own blood).
PC 2: Sure, but at least be nicely attired first before you go and meet Him. (fingers his long sword.)
PC 1: How? (looks at his stained and dirty attire)
PC 2: (points ahead in the distance)A Goblin camp under Obould up ahead! Maybe they are kind enough to grant you a holy ritual as well as some nice clothes for you!"
PC 1: What? Goblin Clerics!
PC 2: Don't worry! The chances of Goblin clerics doing a disservice to you is zero, and infinitesimal."
PC 1: What?!!(chokes and dies)
I am curious to what kind of stupid, silly or hilarious comments are heard, said by DMs and players during the course of their FR and D&D campaigns, so would anyone kindly share them, please.
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| 30 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| KnightErrantJR |
Posted - 02 Jul 2006 : 04:18:42
"How much damage does a lapdance from a centaur do anyway?"
--Said after the characters threw a bachelor party at the Velvet Veil in Ashabenford, in Mistledale. |
| KnightErrantJR |
Posted - 22 Jun 2006 : 03:53:11
After killing the Aspect of Orcus in the session last night, the players were hacking up the corpse and taking trophies . . . at one point, one of the players said, "I want the codpiece." Upon looking at the illustration and seeing that the Aspect only had on a loin cloth, another player said . . . "there is no codpiece, only the cod." |
| Blade of Mourn |
Posted - 15 Jun 2006 : 14:08:03
Ok so, the party goes off to a (huge green)dragon's lair with the intention of fighting them. It's common party knowledge that there are multiple dragons (two or three). So, we get there and the dragons (two of them) arrive a couple minutes later. Somehow, everyone else got the idea that we would only be fighting one dragon. My half-dragon hides under their hoard, as does my roommate's half-fiend. The harssaf turns into a pile of sand, the half-orc monk hides behind the dragons' hoard, and a gravetouched ghoul halfling hides in his own shadow before sneaking back to the cave entrance and leading in a group of morhgs and leading one of the dragons away.
To the nearest town.
While they're approaching the town (called Korshical, I think) the DM gives us a short conversation between two of the town guards:
Town Guard 1 –“Hey Stan!”
Town Guard 2 – “Yeah?”
TG1 – “Look over there on the horizon. What does that look like to you?”
TG2 – “Ah, it looks like a… big f***in’ dragon with… a small army following in the lead.”
*I really hope you all catch that*
_______________________________
In another campeign, a half-dragon vampire spawn wanted to... adjust his coffin so it could double as a boat. Initial comment:
“You hope to row yourself to another continent in a floating sandbox.... That is the best thing anyone has ever said, and a brilliant idea.”
(Oh, the sarcasm.........)
We spent the next twenty minutes or so calling him a 'redneck vampire' and saying we would paint a confederate flag on his coffin lid while he slept inside. And such.
Oh, another comment was that he would be sleeping sideways from now on, and he made the mistake of claiming he would find something to use to prop it up. And the image we all instantly got at the same time was a coffin up on blocks
(I hope you all get the reference....Rednecks...houses/car/trucks up on blocks....You get the idea) |
| BlackAce |
Posted - 12 Jun 2006 : 18:43:51
A couple of my favorites...
GM: A wizzened old beggar approaches you. He shakes a chipped cup and asks you for alms.
PC(in all seriousness): Can he change a crown for five silvers?
...................
The party has just stumbled upon a coven of drow priestesses worshiping in the High Forest.
PC to GM: They're priestesses of the Darkmaiden, right?
GM: The high priestess screams in rage at your impudent interuption and begins casting.
PC: I'll take that as a no.
...................
Elf PC: A dragon terrorising a village.... How original.
Halfling PC: ....Says an elf called Gildor. |
| KnightErrantJR |
Posted - 07 Jun 2006 : 06:17:16
Ah, tonight yeilded a few good ones:
"I think I'm going to touch myself now,"
Ghari the drow hexblade (played by my step-son), after realizing darkness is a touch range spell.
"I want to touch his ass,"
Ghari the drow hexblade, misprounouncing the word "axe" after wanting to see how the Artaaglith's axe would also function as a holy symbol (I thought of Wooly after I heard this one). |
| Xysma |
Posted - 13 Mar 2006 : 19:40:49
quote:
Originally posted by KnightErrantJR
When my player's characters were travelling through Cormyr, somehow they started to discuss the King's Forest, as well as the existance of dire squirels. Eventually one of them asked,
"What would dire squirels be doing in the King's Forest?"
"They're after the King's Nuts."
Just as it did back in September, this got an out-loud laugh from me again, and again I am at work. Thanks KEJr! |
| Veszaun Auvryath |
Posted - 02 Mar 2006 : 07:20:31
This one was funny only for it's sheer absurdity, and the serious manner in which our DM at the time said it. Despite that, it brought the session to a halt as we couldn't stop laughing and picking at him about it:
DM (describing the scene): "Off in the distance...15 feet away...." |
| Asgetrion |
Posted - 27 Feb 2006 : 22:17:44
quote:
Originally posted by Wooly Rupert
I like this NPC... He strikes me as a halfling version of Samuel L Jackson in Pulp Fiction...
I just have to comment on this, Wooly - I think Samuel L Jackson has a quite bit more, ahem, "class" in Pulp Fiction than Zereck ever  
But speaking of attitude... we were battling the two yuan-ti (a magic-user and a fighter/thief) in the ruins of the Uthtower (the fantastic "Eye of Myrkul" Dungeon module, by Eric L Boyd). My fighter faced them both in melee, while half of the characters were exploring the upper floors of the tower. Things looked very grim, until Zereck stormed down the stairs, brandishing his morningstar, and yelling at the top of his lungs (at the Yuan-ti): "HAVE YOU EVER BEFORE SEEN A HALFLING THIS MAD?!" Needless to say, Zereck managed in startling them both, and provided the necessary distraction for my character to retreat from melee (and quaff some healing potions).
Another fine example was Zereck's very brief session as the instructor for new guard recruits. "Men, The most important thing you need to know is, that when someone is running, he has done something. And then you stop him by any means necessary!" (Zereck was transferred back to the streets by Rulathon within one bell ;)
Once, Sir Najar Yubus (the High Watcher of Helm in our adventuring group) was possessed by a demon, and when he had wrestled him to ground and tied him up, Zereck suddenly jumped him, yelling (between cowardly kicks): "THIS IS-" "-HOW MY GRANDFATHER-" "-TAUGHT ME-" "-TO BANISH DEMONS!". Typical behaviour for Zereck - He thought:"Heh, Finally - this is my payback for that bastard, holier-than-thou paladin! Nobody should care if I kick him, now that he's being possessed by a demon." Of course, the others characters intervened. But he DID get a few good kicks in.
Then there is the story about a huge eye tyrant and a grappling hook... 
You could say that Zereck is a typical schoolyard bully - strutting like a peacock when he feels that he is the toughest and meanest guy around. When he feels his position threatened, he tries to intimidate his adversaries ("Have you ever been to the dungeons? It IS against the law to argue with a guard officer!"). If that doesn't work (or if someone really knows the law :) he probably tries to call for backup (=the nearest guard patrol ;)
But generally Zereck's cocky, brash and aggressive attitude has helped our group a lot in our many (mis)adventures |
| Volo |
Posted - 27 Feb 2006 : 10:55:01
Scariest line I've ever heard at a table, this originated in a DragonLance one-shot. 'That ring seems dangerous. We'd better give it to the kender.'
The scary thing? They were serious. Of course, I was the only one who'd ever played any games involving kender. Well, other than the girl playing the kender, who's face lit up like a lighthouse when she saw the potential for chaos that a ring of wild magic gave her.... |
| Jamallo Kreen |
Posted - 18 Feb 2006 : 19:55:22
Apropos of halflings with attitude, I can't resist putting in a plug for one of my characters, who ("a victim of the Arduin Charts") has a red crescent birthmark on one (facial) cheek. He's also more than five feet tall. A baaad dude, he styles himself, "Red Moon, Demon Lord of the Hobbits!" (Yes, he uses the "H" word.)
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| Wooly Rupert |
Posted - 18 Feb 2006 : 17:47:32
quote:
Originally posted by Asgetrion
Wooly, he said it would be an honor if his character would be included the Compendium or used in another campaign as an NPC - so go ahead
Coo!
I can't promise it'll happen immediately, though -- I've been trying to figure out a way to reuse an NPC from a previous hook, and I've just not done it yet... |
| Asgetrion |
Posted - 18 Feb 2006 : 12:57:06
Wooly, he said it would be an honor if his character would be included the Compendium or used in another campaign as an NPC - so go ahead |
| Asgetrion |
Posted - 16 Feb 2006 : 04:28:25
quote:
Originally posted by Wooly Rupert
quote:
Originally posted by Asgetrion
Enter Sir Zereck Sunnydale, a halfling Civilar of the Waterdeep's Best and Brightest (= City Guard ;). Now, picture a sharp-nosed, beady-eyed halfling with coal-black "afro-style" hair. Complete that image with the following stats: Chaotic Neutral Male Strongheart Halfling Fighter 13/Rogue 2, STR 20, CON 16, INT 10, WIS 8, CHR 7... a halfling as wide as he is tall, with a foul tongue and bad and rather straight-forward manners, wearing a plate mail with Tempus's symbol, and wielding a midnight-black magical morningstar with both hands (Whirlwind Attack, anyone?).
I like this NPC... He strikes me as a halfling version of Samuel L Jackson in Pulp Fiction... Regardless of whether or not that was your intent, I'm going to borrow this character for future use and play him like that.
I may, if I can, try to work him into a Hook for the Compendium... Is it okay if I do that?
Um, I have to ask the player (Zereck is a PC ;) but I think he is going to say yes (I would personally consider this modest request a great honor )
|
| Wooly Rupert |
Posted - 15 Feb 2006 : 00:36:07
quote:
Originally posted by Asgetrion
Enter Sir Zereck Sunnydale, a halfling Civilar of the Waterdeep's Best and Brightest (= City Guard ;). Now, picture a sharp-nosed, beady-eyed halfling with coal-black "afro-style" hair. Complete that image with the following stats: Chaotic Neutral Male Strongheart Halfling Fighter 13/Rogue 2, STR 20, CON 16, INT 10, WIS 8, CHR 7... a halfling as wide as he is tall, with a foul tongue and bad and rather straight-forward manners, wearing a plate mail with Tempus's symbol, and wielding a midnight-black magical morningstar with both hands (Whirlwind Attack, anyone?).
I like this NPC... He strikes me as a halfling version of Samuel L Jackson in Pulp Fiction... Regardless of whether or not that was your intent, I'm going to borrow this character for future use and play him like that.
I may, if I can, try to work him into a Hook for the Compendium... Is it okay if I do that? |
| Arivia |
Posted - 15 Feb 2006 : 00:04:41
From a session earlier today that diverted into a discussion of religion while the PCs were facing a puzzle locked door:
Me: "Well, my religion is WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT THE DOOR and the first precept is SMASH FACE UNLESS YOU START WORKING ON THE DOOR!" |
| Asgetrion |
Posted - 14 Feb 2006 : 23:40:51
I don't know if this qualifies as either "funny" or "hilarious", but it is something that we still laugh about in my gaming group. It may be a bit too much of an "inside stuff" to anyone else, but I will still share it with you.
Perhaps I will try to briefly give you some crucial background information:
We have a long-running Waterdhavian campaign (for 12 years now), in which I play a nobleman fighter (House Tesper), who acquired a greatsword dedicated to Dumathoin's faith ("Kharrka Somrian" or "Defender of Silence") quite early in his career (from Bandaerl, who dwells in one of the "Lost Levels" in Undermountain - a long story). Slowly, as time passed, my character began to venetrate Dumathoin (in addition to Tempus, Helm, Tymora, Selune and Tyr ;) and see himself as a guardian of dwarves and dwarven secrets in the North. Naturally, he wished to learn not only about the dwarven culture and faiths, but also their language and runes.
Enter Sir Zereck Sunnydale, a halfling Civilar of the Waterdeep's Best and Brightest (= City Guard ;). Now, picture a sharp-nosed, beady-eyed halfling with coal-black "afro-style" hair. Complete that image with the following stats: Chaotic Neutral Male Strongheart Halfling Fighter 13/Rogue 2, STR 20, CON 16, INT 10, WIS 8, CHR 7... a halfling as wide as he is tall, with a foul tongue and bad and rather straight-forward manners, wearing a plate mail with Tempus's symbol, and wielding a midnight-black magical morningstar with both hands (Whirlwind Attack, anyone?).
Zereck is considered in our campaign as the biggest, strongest and most aggressive halfling to ever live in the North (even worse that his grandfather, who, at least has a magical gem with the power to unleash 'Charm Person'-spells, or something like that).
Now, picture the Twin Towers of Eternal Eclipse in Amn. We were headed there to slay a certain priest. Being seasoned adventurers, we weren't too worried about our chances to survive, and thus we engaged in light conversation as we trudged along the countryside to one of the hidden towers. My character and Zereck walked in front of the group.
Me:"Zereck, I recall that you speak some Dwarvish"
Zereck: "Yes! I speak it fluently. Just ask me something!" (puffing his chest proudly)
Me:"Can you tell me what a 'helm' is in Dwarvish?"
He told me. And also the dwarven words for 'shield', 'sword' and 'armor'.
Then my character pointed at a daffodil growing on a hillside.
Me:"How about that flower?"
Zereck looked deeply hurt, glared at my character if I had just asked him if he actually were a gnome (the player really knows his character inside out, and is a marvelous actor).
Z:"Are you an idiot? I don't even know what that is in Common!"
That comment had us rolling on the floor with laughter. It may not seem funny or hilarious, but if you had just been present there...
By the way, our DM made us both roll INT checks to see how well Zereck had taught me. We both fumbled! So, we knew that something nasty or inconvenient would come of that failed "learning session"...
A month later my character hired a dwarven female teacher (the sage Jemuril of Waterdeep). She asked me to tell her all the words I already knew in Dwarvish. I did so, and she blushed and said :"Ahem, THAT is definitely the dwarvish word for 'sword', although you might call it a "weapon"..." Our DM then said that "Zereck DID have a malicious gleam in his eye when he taught you those words...". |
| Asgetrion |
Posted - 14 Feb 2006 : 22:50:49
quote:
Originally posted by Wooly Rupert
One of my very first game sessions, I and a friend were both playing Waterdhavian thieves. We encountered a female thief NPC and were talking with her. My friend suggested that we could help her out. The female thief immediately asked what we had that she didn't.
I didn't even think about it! I was a teenage boy, in high school. So I blurted out what we had that she didn't -- and it was, of course, an anatomical reference. 
My most infamous slip of the tongue was in a non-Realms campaign. I was playing my minotaur fighter (whom I've since dropped in the Realms as an NPC). One of his weapons was a great axe. And that was what I intended to draw... My statement was supposed to be: "I pull out my honkin' big ol' axe!"
But I didn't say "axe". The word I spoke was indeed a three-letter word beginning with the letter "a", but it wasn't a type of weapon... The word, which rhymes with "glass", wound up giving the sentence a whole new meaning!
This is definitely my favorite
I hope that you finally pulled out the axe on the following round  |
| Lysander |
Posted - 13 Feb 2006 : 02:04:46
quote:
Originally posted by Kaladorm
Doing the DMing via email for my campaign, often lets us write a little more creatively. We often use MSN messenger to do 'joint posts' where it's easier to have a full conversation than via email.
The party recently came upon a dire bear, and the druid straight off cast charm animal and speak with animals.
It was a bit of a shock having to come up with the way a bear thinks, but so much fun in the end lol
Yes.
Yes it does.
Y'know, I need to reactivate my MSN link I think. |
| Kaladorm |
Posted - 12 Feb 2006 : 22:20:23
Doing the DMing via email for my campaign, often lets us write a little more creatively. We often use MSN messenger to do 'joint posts' where it's easier to have a full conversation than via email.
The party recently came upon a dire bear, and the druid straight off cast charm animal and speak with animals.
It was a bit of a shock having to come up with the way a bear thinks, but so much fun in the end lol |
| Laputa_Knights |
Posted - 12 Feb 2006 : 11:12:10
DM: You come around the corner into a corridor. It's 100' wide by 200' high. About 100 yards down the corridor, you see a little old man and his Bolo. What do you do?
Most of the party: We knock out the little old man.
Player who knew how perverted the DM was: I turn around and run like ****!
Player who ran was the only one who survived. It was a Mk XXIII Bolo. (See Keith Laumer for more details)
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| Faramicos |
Posted - 09 Feb 2006 : 11:35:31
I can definately see the humor in that situation. It is a classical case of a new DM misunderstanding the names of monsters... Always funny to look back at. |
| Beirnadri Magranth |
Posted - 09 Feb 2006 : 04:05:24
BACKGROUND INFO
i played a cool campaign once a long time ago when i was just learning d&d....
my character was somehow killed by a doppleganger
our dm let me play as the doppleganger which was cool!
anyhow i think we were on some stupid quest and in a ruins...
we are lvl 5
we enter a really strange place... a small hall maybe 15 feet long with a tremendously deep but narrow rift on the left side of the floor. an alcove sits at the other end of the hall...
a grinning skull rests there.
player1: oh thats the evil presence of the ruins? hah.. guys its a darkskull!
our newb/noob/nube DM: as you get closer it whirls about and floats forward to meet you!
players: ?
DM: the demilich glows with a...
me: wait... demilich?????
player1: are you serious???
player2: I start to run on my next round!
me: demilich???
dm: yeah its just a demilich
my brother: dude those are like cr 30+
DM: waht? no its a demilich... like a lesser lich!
hahahahah ok i was a beginnner and even i knew what a demilich was omg
hmm... ok so this wasnt as funny as it was in person but my cleric doppleganger beat it to death (or final daeth) with his prayer book! (the only thing left after the fire and magical pain.. besides my armor and holysymbol.)
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| Fletcher |
Posted - 08 Feb 2006 : 20:49:26
You know, an old episode of The Black Adder comes to mind. Shere they return with this wondrous vintage from the new world.
But feat or no feat the thought of drinking that stuff is...gross, just gross. My character would have to be in pretty dire straits to be drinking that type of healing potion. |
| Kaladorm |
Posted - 08 Feb 2006 : 17:14:06
In all seriousness Fletcher, that 'could' easily be worked into a feat.
In some sourcebook (perhaps complete arcane or unearthed arcana) there are feats for 'Spelltouched' i.e. those that are constantly subject to certain spells seem to take on certain properties.
The healing draught idea has merit ;) |
| Fletcher |
Posted - 08 Feb 2006 : 15:34:07
Silly Barbarian! Thrones are for kings!
Upon seeing the Priest of Bane sacrificing a victim. "Uh...when your done, could i get a Banewich?"
Psychic Warrior after being cursed to have everything taste like excrement by the cleric of Oghma. "Everything i eat taste of @$$."
And there was a discussion in the group about whether or not the urine of the Psychic Warrior would be a healing draught due to the numerous vigors. (approximately 1000hp worth in a tenday.) |
| Arivia |
Posted - 13 Jan 2006 : 22:27:56
Steven's post in the 2006 Questions for Ed thread reminded me of this one(it's my own, but it's not D&D related):
Paranoia. Second session of the game for anyone in the group, including me, the GM.
Mistake 1: When taking the players out of the room for their secret society meetings, speak loudly enough so that the players in the next room over, including the targets, can hear the conversation perfectly.
Mistake 2: Keeping really bad notes on who I've assigned to kill who. Then losing those notes.
That's the setup for this...
"Okay, I've lost my notes on who people's targets are. Can you all pass me notes on who you were assigned to kill?"
Player X passes me her note.
Open note.
Look at player X.
"You mispelled player Y's name."
"Oh *%%&."
Halfway through the laughter through that, open note from player Z.
The note is as follows:
"Player Z - Myself"
Me: "You're not serious."
Him: "Oh yes I am."
Me: "Oh #^%*."
Player Z earned a lot of Perversity points for using his Unlikely skill of Wrench Crafting to craft a wrench, and then killing himself with it.
The absolute hilarity of this will make a lot more sense to anyone who has played Paranoia. |
| Jamallo Kreen |
Posted - 13 Jan 2006 : 00:32:37
I beg to point out the immortal words of Gustave Sigurdson of the Clan of the Snow Leopard to his new-found Waterdhavian friends; Gustave, who having aided the same in purging a house in Waterdeep of the evil which undoubtedly dwelt there, and having decided to join them in availing himself of a well-earned reward for all of his hard work in expunging said evil, and having noted the arrival of a squad of City Watch accompanied by a tall man in robes with salt-and-pepper hair and a really mean-looking black quarterstaff, said, softly and almost presciently, "Ixnay on the illagepay." |
| Faramicos |
Posted - 12 Jan 2006 : 13:31:55
One of my players once made a brilliant comment. He is the kind of player that is suspicious to everyone and everything. Once he was hunting in the woods and came upon a bear. He didnt believe that i would place a bear in the game without any side effect so he asked me: "does it have clothes on?". I could say no to that, because i realy wasnt anything besides an ordinary bear. But he pressed on, convinced that it would have to be a werebear. He asked me about whether it had bracelets, torn cloth or equipment and several other items like that. He continued for so long that even today, after several years of play, we always tease him about it by pointing out that the animals he encounter neither wears clothes or equipment. Dont know if you understand it, but it was rather fun... |
| Fletcher |
Posted - 10 Jan 2006 : 00:06:40
PC1"Wait, they can't all be dead! I still have seven fireballs!"
PC2"Fireballs comin' on line BA" |
| Fletcher |
Posted - 12 Dec 2005 : 17:21:32
The party of heroes decided to rest in a small fishing village that had just been attacked by pirates. The local militia had taken the ships out after the pirates leaving the village unguarded. The team of NPC villains who had arranged for the pirates to draw off the militia showed up. They started a few fires and the pc's in bed clothes attacked in a scattered manner. In but a few rounds they were soundly walloped, 2 dead, three injured and one incapacitated.
The comments from this event were:
Psychic Warrior "Run away, they're cheating!"
Invisible Blade "Yeah! No fair that they were prepared and we weren't!"
Cleric of Oghma "So who was on watch?"
>silence<
Invisible Blade "I still didn't deserve to die."
GM "You charged into the middle of 6 villains and 3 summoned creatures by your self. Your comrades were engaged elsewhere, what did you expect?"
Invisible Blade "Duh! I expected to win!"
>stupefied silence<
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