Alaundo's Library

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This page is intended to provide a bit of light humor and contains D&D-related jokes and articles to hopefully bring a smile. If you wish to share your humor with us then please contact us.

D&D \ Realms Humor

Submitted by: Aaron Barrett

An elven bard walks into a tavern and asks the crowd, "Who's dragon is that outside?"

An older gentleman, dressed in archmage robes stands up, and replies "Mine. Why?"

The bard somberly approaches the mage. "I regret to inform you that the halfling in our party has killed your dragon"

"What!" erupts the archmage. "Your halfling killed Rithvaeraradace. Slayer of the Elminster, Destroyer of Cormyr, Raider of Waterdeep, Ruler of the Dales, Thorn to the Gods, and Bane of all Toril! How did this happen!?"

The bard sheepishly looks at the archmage and replies "Well...the little guy got stuck in its throat!"

Moral: Always chew your food.


Why do dwarves have such big nostrils?

Look at the size of their fingers!!


Submitted by: William of Waterdeep (Source: WotC "Other Worlds" forum)

An Elf, Human, and Dwarf order a beer. When the beer arrives, a fly lands in each one.

The Elf shoves the beer away in distain.

The Human flicks the fly away and drinks the beer.

The Dwarf picks the fly up by the wings, holding it over his glass and screams, "Spit it all out you little *******!"


Submitted by: Cult_Leader

Five things you DON'T want your players to say:

1.Ranger wearing plate mail in a misty echoing crypt: "I try to move silently"

2.Apprentice to mage: "By the way master, I finally shot that pesky owl that kept following you around."

3.Party fighting a band of thieves in a 4x3x4m room, when the mage says, with serious tone: "Hell, I cast a fireball, THAT'll teach'em."

4.Party laying on a hillside spying on the Imperial Army of Darkness commanded by Gul the Necromancer himself (+/- 10,000 troops): "Hmmm, if we attack from the rear, do we get bonuses on our attack roll??"

5.Paladin as the lone survivor of a party of 7 facing an army of evil and undead creatures, which just slaughtered his fellow adventurers: "Huh, why should I run? I got protection from evil in a 15ft radius, THEY can't touch me" (last words).


A Monk and a Leap of Faith

The Grandmaster of Flowers, Grandfather of Assassins, His Holy General Priest of Tyr, and the King of Corymr were talking. They ended up in an argument about whose followers were the toughest and most obedient. They all decided to find the best of their best and hold a tournament to see whos was most loyal.

Each of the four tried and tested their followers to see who was the most powerful and most loyal. At last they were all ready to compete. They met at the edge of a cliff. At the bottom of the 50' drop was a lake and in the lake were poisonous snakes, piranhas, and a dragon turtle. The only way out was to swim 200 yards across the lake, onto an island. The island was covered with lizard men and trolls. After passing through them, the followers would then have to enter a cave that led through a red dragons lair and would finally allow them to exit back near where they started.

Looking at his Royal Knight, the King of Cormyr said "Sir Knight, for the honor and glory of the kingdom I want you to cross that lake, and return here through the cave." Looking over the scene, the knight replied "I am sorry my lord, but that is sure death. I cannot do it."

Smiling, the Priest of Tyr turned to his paladin and said "You are the might of Tyr, most loyal and trust worthy follower. You know the task, accomplish it and receive the blessing of our Patron." Shaking his head slowly, the Paladin replied "I cannot do what you ask."

The same thing happened when the Grandfather of assassins tried to send his man over the cliff.

The Grandmaster of Flowers turned to his follower and said simply "Do it." Without so much as batting an eye, the Monk dove off the cliff and into the water. In a flash he was across the lake and entering the jungles on the island. As the group waited in anticipation, the heard a distant roar and flames came licking out the end of the cave. Shortly there after the brave young monk came running out, burned, battered and bleeding, but alive.

The Grandfather ran over and hugged the young monk. "Son" he said, "Truly you are the pride of all of the monastery. Ask for anything, anything at all and it is yours."

"All I want..." he replied, " to find out who the son-of-a-bitch was that pushed me...."


Durin Ironshield of the iron hills pays a visit to the Elven King of Mirkwood.

"Sir", says Durin, "We have decided to go to war with ye."

The elven king looks incredulous, but takes war seriously. "We? Who is this we?", he says sternly.

"Well, that would be me, me brother Thorin, his son Durin, our cousins Olin and Golin, and our pop Thrain."

"My good Dwarf, I have 1100 elves at my command that can be ready to move on a moment's notice.", says the king.

"Oh.", replies Durin. "Let me get back to ye on that."

The Dwarf leaves, but returns two days later.

"Ok king, I have rounded up two more cousins and we a few axes between us all."

"Sir Dwarf, I have 300 of the finest archers around, plus my royal guards are all spellsingers, armed with swords of sharpness."

"Oh, well, I see." The Dwarf lord thinks a bit. "Let me come back to ye."

And he leaves to return again in two days.

"Ok king, we have rounded up a few more swords and I think we are ready".

"You should know my good dwarf that I have since raised the size of my elven army to 1300."

"Ah hek!", and the dwarf leaves. He comes back the next day.

"Well king, I am afraid we have to call off the war."

"I am sorry to hear that. Was it the power of my elven army to changed your mind?"

"Nah, I spoke to all my kin and we decided that we just did not have the room for 1300 prisoners."

Submitted by: Never and Forge (from the Candlekeep Forums)

Paladin's and Mercy Killings

What would a paladin do?

Paladin of Tymora: I'll flip a coin. Tails you live and head you lose yours.
Paladin of Sune: I won't kill you but if you'd like one last *wink*nod*wink* then stand at the back of the line.
Paladin of Cyric: It would be my honor. *kill* *raises as undead*
Paladin of Torm: You DARE to abandon your post? Torm strike you down coward! *kill*
Paladin of Loviatar: Hold that thought; here are some nice Orc gentlemen I wanted you to meet.
Paladin of Waukeen: What's it worth to ya?
Paladin of Mask: Well I dunno.. LOOK OVER THERE! *Backstab, rifle through coinpurse*
Paladin of Oghma: *First recites a summation of this thread, complete with cross-indexed references and legal precedences from 3 planes, citing various previous Paladins and dieties and the various and sundry means by which such an act could be accomplished and justified then stops as the orc horde falls over from boredom and blinks owlishly* "I'm sorry, what was the question again?"


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